fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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first you must answer his riddles
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy