your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!