AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
You Might Also Like
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
😆this is so true
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.