I finally found a reason to live again.
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill