Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Bro what is this
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.