What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both