[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.