Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
who will stop them
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”