When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.