If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems