i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Nice try Hitler
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.