hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Nose
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
bias laundering edition
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.