how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated