13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.