If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
181.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.