where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*