I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way