Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear