“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!