[at the general store]
me: one general please
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’