Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant