Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
You Might Also Like
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.