My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
You Might Also Like
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.