My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
You Might Also Like
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I love twitter