Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Good Morning.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
going to the ER y’all need anything
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.