Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
PLOT TWIST:
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Realize this:
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien