“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.