THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
when someone rings the doorbell
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?