very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]