Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Thursday Thought.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo