My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Cat is stressing him out.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Human are so complicated
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress