Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you鈥檙e a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don鈥檛 come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I鈥檓 so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
馃幎 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 馃幎
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes