Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
he’s doing your taxes
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Meth is short for Elizameth.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?