Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.