Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
You Might Also Like
My dog ate my work from home.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question