My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.