AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.