I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Always
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+