Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers