Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene