Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!