If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
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I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he鈥檒l get you those for Christmas
Me: I鈥檝e been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I鈥檓 guessing that鈥檚 a no
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
馃幎I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus馃幎
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
We鈥檙e lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don鈥檛 know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
At least chocolate chip cookies don鈥檛 look like brains. I鈥檓 talking about you, cauliflower.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you鈥檙e not supposed to touch it.
It鈥檚 science.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall鈥檚 aggressive kiosk people.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I鈥檓 sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they鈥檙e watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails