I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.