bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Boy never ceases to amaze me
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…