If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition