Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Mood.. 😂
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.