Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
gm
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.