My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The internet is full of many things
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The best plant holders?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.