Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*