Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
What fresh Hell is this?!?
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.